


An end

by sihaiya



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emotional Fallback, Emotional Hurt, Ereri canonverse Weekend 2017, Implied Past Major Character Death, Introspection, Loss of Porpouse, M/M, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Unresolved Emotional Tension, past relationship: eruri (sort of), spoilers up to ch. 90
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 07:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10509030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sihaiya/pseuds/sihaiya
Summary: Once they reach the ocean a new awareness dawns on Levi, one he’ll struggle to deal with.Or: Sihaiya plays around with the Ackerman imprint/bond theory.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A single fill for the three prompts of the ereri canonverse weekend (budding romance, secret, the ocean) by [@ererievents](http://ererievents.tumblr.com/). I suppose this is not exactly what the most had thought about while reading the prompts for the first time, but to me they naturally leaded to some pretty much one-sided character study. Hope you’ll like it anyway, just mind the tags!

The moment Levi hears Eren wondering if they'll finally be free once their enemy beyond the water will be defeated is the moment he realizes it for the first time.

The ocean rumbles with a soft pace just a couple of feet away from him, the kids' yipping is mixing with Hanji's excited remarks and yet his mind is blank except for that bit of knowledge that was revealed to him some moments before.

There will never be an end.

Maybe he already knew it, maybe a good part of the last months has been in fact a masterful attempt to forget about it, to even avoid to stop and think about it, but now he knows and there's nothing he can do to come back to the blissful ignorance he was carrying with him until now. He can only focus on it, he couldn't do otherwise even if he tried.

He wonders what Erwin would have thought about it, he wonders what he would have done, said, but again is mind is blank. There will never be an end. His insides pulse like they're screaming it and he can't muster the will to do anything but stare at the horizon, wondering if it's even been worth it to rush until this point, never looking back, no regrets.

That night he takes the first watch, after all is not like he'll be able to sleep anyway. He finds himself again on the shore, stuck a couple of feet away from the water. He doesn't know how much time passes while his mind is still blank, running around in circles enclosing all the things he left aside to mull about for another time, always another one. How futile seems now his mother's death, or Isabel's, Farlan's and his squad ones. How heavy are weighing on him all the things left unsaid between him and Kenny, all the what ifs and the many many more words he now regrets not to have said to Erwin. Even only a couple of them would have been enough now.

It's the sound of steps that brings him back to where he stands. He cannot say he cares about who is, he doesn't even care when he realizes it's Eren, coming to relieve him from the watch. He knows he shouldn't be, 'cause it's not his turn, but considering any other possibility is too draining right now, even when he knows they are there, ready to be caught.

The kid stands at his side, not saying a word, keeping it up for Levi doesn't know how long. It's often overwhelming how this boy, this man, since the time passing by and the life resting on his shoulders made him one, who's always moving, always blabbering, someway knows how to act with him without a fail, ever. It never ceases to amaze him how much comforting it is and he's not so naive, he knows Eren is much more observant and clever than most of his peers always seem to assume. He's not naive enough to also not understand why the other took the care to learn what pleases him even when it goes way beyond his duties. Again, possibilities. Ready to be caught if he only wanted.

"I need you to know something." Levi starts and he doesn't have to wait for an assent or a confirmation, he knows he has the other's full attention, he always had. "Whatever you'll do, you'll never be able to be him."

Levi knows it's not a big secret for someone who always shows to know him so well. Also, if he has to be honest at least to himself, he and Erwin had never been more than comrades, but he feels like it has to be said. Whatever they were, since his recent realization Levi regrets for it to have been less than what he had desired, less than what he had allowed, and so he feels like it has to be said.

He had found his closure, it had been hard doing so while his whole being was screaming at him because he dared to abandon his liege, but he did it. It was the moment he realized the deep meaning of some of Kenny's last words. He said goodbye to Erwin's body ready to go on like he always had, it was true that day months ago, while he was arranging some flowers in that damned attic, and it's true now. If he could turn time around he'd do the same choices. What he's not sure anymore is if the entire process that led them here, staring at the ocean, has even been worth it. What's the point of all the deaths, what's the point of still keeping fighting if they've wiped away all the titans only to find themselves facing a new insurmountable enemy?

Is he yielding? Is he searching for someone else to guide his arm and thoughts, for a new liege? Levi doesn't know, but of one thing he's sure, he wasn't made for this. He wasn't made to command, but to follow and protect and in a way he failed even at it, more than once. Now the realization of their pitiful situation, the truth of their existence, has left him with nothing, not a sense or a direction for the future. Nothing managed to make him stop before, not Erwin's death, not Isabel's and Farlan's one, not the many others he faced, and yet. Yet here he stands, with nothing anymore to guide him, not even that hope for freedom that did it along the years, even before knowing Erwin and especially after discovering Eren's existence, 'cause there will never be an end.

"I know." Eren's words are barely whispered, almost brought away by the riptide's murmur. "What do you need?"

Not indignation or resignation but quiet acceptance. Once again Eren is not making this something about himself, he didn't even made it that fateful moment Levi decided to give Erwin the peace he deserved, shattering a large part of the sense in his life in the process.

Is he yielding? He doesn't know, but he knows what he yearn for.

"Something to be drunk on to keep going, as someone said once to me, that's what I need." It's cryptic and Levi knows it, but it's all he can muster and it hangs between them with the weight of an entire discourse. Then Levi rises one hand to avoid a reply from the other, stilling him from doing anything but listen until the end. He's quite sure to know why Eren is there tonight, silently gazing at the ocean, standing at his side with a degree of patience he seems to show only to him, so he doesn't need for the other to speak it out. What he's not sure about is what he wants, what he's not sure about is how all of this makes him feel. In the end he says the only words that seem to have some honesty in them. "I'll consider it."

This time Eren's reply, if there has been one, is drowned by the ocean, but he nods in acquiescence and this is enough for Levi. He leaves the other, heading to the camp, his mind in turmoil, trying to understand what he has just done, why he has just done it.

Levi wonders if what has started calling him once again like a moth towards the light is the presence of the soul of a monster. The presence of someone who, this time, inspires fear and awe at the same time because he has broken through the bars of the cage to fly beyond them, no matter what he has to face.

He wonders if it's a new hope what he really needs now. To still fight, to still hope, even while losing in a way so clear, is to go against reason. In time, loss after loss, they all rejected reason, even Erwin did it, until the exact moment Levi lost everything, descending into emptiness while being lulled by the ocean. And still. Still humans have no choice but to follow their will. No matter the regrets, no matter the losses, no one can stop their will.

Levi wonders if this could be his fuel, the light of someone burning brighter than any flame, a light with enough will to seem able to cast away even the darkest night.

There will never be an end, and yet.

Is he yielding? He doesn't think so, but he's desperate enough to contemplate the idea of giving the boy a chance. Is Eren a fallback? He still doesn't know, but despite their differences he learned to respect him too much to allow it if this will be the case. He's always been fascinated though, so Levi supposes he'll let this tension between them free to express itself and then he'll see.

If it will not be this he'll have to find something else though, 'cause there will never be an end and he has lost his own one. 

**Author's Note:**

> This small one is heavily inspired by the visual novels, especially by [Burning bright in the forests of the night](http://sunset-tower.tumblr.com/post/74386073089/) (even if [A choice with no regrets](http://whiteflowertranslations.tumblr.com/read/shingeki-no-kyojin-a-choice-with-no-regrets-1) someway creeped in a little bit too). If you haven't already read the translations give them a chance, they're two beautiful pieces (forget the ovas, for acwnr the vn is the real thing)!


End file.
